Spermicide of Biblical Proportions

I just got back from the doc's office. I've been having some back problems so they took some X-Rays. Have you ever had x-rays? It's like well... You've heard of natural selection...? This is like unnatural selection. If you're sick or there's something wrong with you they make sure you will never pollute the gene pool with your sickly, weak boned, offspring.

"ok sir we understand you're not feeling well is that right? Do you have any children, sickly or otherwise?"

"uh no not yet. One day my wife and I would like to have..

"That's great. Now please hold still while I point this highly radioactive gismo thingy directly at your pelvic region... Ok now let's just put up some big lead shields everywhere so none of that crazy radioactive material gets on anything but your genital area, mmmmkay."

"uhh....ok is it recording now"

"HA! Oh god no! I'll be safely behind that lead lined shield over there when I take the X-Ray, now turn a little more to the left so we can get all of your junk in the pic... That's it. Hey Jim... JIM! He asked if this thing was running just now. (chuckle) "

"Ha Ha Ha...(Barely Audible Mumble) Yeah like you'd be standing right there when that thing mumble mumble...." (as he walks down the hall carrying a clipboard)

"What'd he say?!! WHAT'D HE SAY?!!! Is this thing safe?!!!..."

"Oh Yes, it's probably very safe. Ok hold still... Three... Two... One... and.... Sterile! Perfect the doctor will be pleased. You're done. You can take off your humiliation gown that opens in the back and get dressed. Now that will just be a lot of money up front whenever you're ready...Mmmkay"

Yeah. I don't know if my tadpoles were swimming before this event, but I'm fairly certain that now it's like a microscopic nuclear holocaust. Burned buildings smoldering everywhere, concrete reinforced elevator shafts with nothing attached still on fire, the remaining survivors are just twitching, stunned, crying out for help but none will come... Just wondering what the hell just happened. But there's still that one Sperm trying to form a resistance...

"Get up... We must fight!!! We must rebuild! We give them life and they only know how to destroy it. Damn their technology. Stand and fight with me brothers... We will fight this XRAY together..."

"but what can we do against such weapons of destruction... Don't you see? It's the end times our prophets have long predicted... I can't believe it (loud wail). Everyone, dead, so much destruction...! Why God!? Oh the SPERMANITY...!"

The following rebuttal included the most moving and glorious speech ever given in the history of all speeches anywhere, but I won't bore you with that. I'm just saying, X-Rays are weird...

Regarding cat gods and futuristic archeologists

Sometimes I wonder if in 500 years someone will be digging through an old landfill and find my garbage. I wonder if scientists, sociologist, and other experts will make all kinds of guesses about me and my ways of life. I remember reading once about a perfectly preserved hotdog found with a newspaper from the 20s wrapped around it. I think about it alot actually. Too often for what's normal. 

It's lead me to some strange behavior... I am remodeling an old house and hid a time capsule in the floor just so someone would find it. I was a little worried that someone would find it too soon... Like as they were working on the downstairs a few months later. That seems like it would be weird. Definitely an awkward interaction with the contractor who finds it. 

"Hey is this yours?" 

"What me?...No! I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Why's it gotta be mine?"

"Ok relax. I thought is was yours... it begins with 'Greetings from the earthdweller Trevor Asay of the year 2008'"

"... ... ... uh yeah that's mine"

Anyway, I bring this up because I threw a penny today that landed in my cat's litter box. I was thinking that someday a futuristic archeologist will try to explain why there is a coin and cat shit in a bag at the landfill. Maybe they'll get the amount wrong and think that the coin, which is only a penny, is worth a lot of money. They'll think that I worship cats and will actually put money in with the cat's poop as a sign of respect or something. 

I find myself really wanting future people to find my trash and analyze it so in an effort to increase my chances, I have stopped recycling altogether. I have also started writing journals filled  with nonsensical gibberish about what I did that day. I plan to bury them in areas where it is highly likely they will eventually be found. Near major road construction and so on. I'll probably have some in my coffin. They contain daily events such as the following: 

"10pm- woke up to the sound of my cat god purring, ate a bowl of paper flakes for breakfast and drove around in my single person  combustion engine vehicle to further the Great Global Warmer Cause that all cat god's demand. As the faithful know, cat gods love to be warm. "

Anyway, this scientist who finds my journal would then see that the reason that their future world has no atmosphere is because all of us who owned cats were actually a cult of extremist who worshiped our felines and thought we could heat up the globe for our cat god's comfort by  lobbying our legislatures for looser emissions laws, and so on... Think of how much other evidence would support this idea. "A very suspicious 98 percent of politicians either owned a cat, or were in close relationship with someone who did, in the ancient year 2009."; "Entire department stores, now in ruins, found to be dedicated to selling things to entertain ancient cat gods". The list probably goes on...

An interesting idea. The first one that popped into my head when I threw a coin in Rolly's litter box and then cleaned it. But this happens pretty much every time I throw something away.